Relationship Backpack

How To Avoid Being Caught In A Controlling Relationship

May 6, 2018 blogger

Even though controlling relationships are almost universally considered to be negative and very undesirable, they are far more prevalant than people realize. They are primarily the by-product of children being raised in homes with one or more controlling parents, and/or a highly unstable environment due to negative events.

The person who is trying to do the controlling is almost always trying to compensate for the “out of control” nature of the environment they grew up in. Internal fears of life spiralling out of control plague people with regular control problems. Their context for life was set in childhood and they often continue living out of that paradigm even though it’s no longer relevant.

The unstable home environment could have been a result of an alcoholic parent(s), an absent workaholic parent(s), the breakdown of the marriage, or some form of physical or emotional abuse. If a parent withholds love and affection as a means of keeping the child under their thumb, this destructive behaviour can carry over into adult relationships and cause a lot of problems.

The person who chooses to marry or date the controller is doing so because of one or a combination of the following reasons. 1. This is what they grew up with and it’s what they’re accustomed to. Although it’s not pleasant, being controlled is strangely comfortable. 2. They are attempting to change the controller, to reform them. This is often done unknowingly. The unconcious intention is to try and repair a disappointing relationship they had with their parent(s). 3. Being in a relationship with a controller makes them look good, because when they measure their own behaviour against the controller’s, they look like their doing a pretty good job of running their life, even though they’re probably not. 4. As times life seems easier while in a relationship with a controller because the controller makes most if not all the decisions for both people. It gives them someone to blame when things don’t work out right because…they didn’t make the decision!?!?

There are a few things to consider if you are looking to steer clear of a controlling relationship.

1. If being controlled is what you are used to, what you grew up with, then it’s vital to realize that “you are not responsible for the environment you grew up in.” In dysfunctional homes, the children tend to take responsibility for the parent’s problematic behaviours. In controlling homes it’s common for the parent(s) to blame the child as a means of off loading responsibility and thus paralyzing the child. In order to drive it deep into your subconcious mind, I suggest you repeat that phrase over and over. “The environment you grew up in was not your responsibility, not your doing.” As importantly, “you are 100% response-able, able to respond, to your life as an adult.” You can learn the skills and run your life well without the need to have a controlling person manipulating you.

2. If it’s your intention to try and reform a controller….please stop. Trying to control something you have no control over is the best possible way to create insanity in an individual. The only control any of us have is over ourselves. We can gain tremendous increases in our sense of control over our own lives if we will spend our time working on our own hangups and misgivings. Efforts to correct a controlling person are really only futile attempts to control them.

3. As an attempt to cover up your lack of personal initiative, don’t hide behind a controlling person’s unhealthy actions to make yourself look good. Find a reason for living that brings joy to you and others. Do some research into your life purpose. Why are you here? We’ve most likely never met, you and I, yet I am quite sure you have abilities and gifts that can be used to make the world a better place to live.

4. Learn how to make decisions for yourself. Being in a relationship with a controlling person can be pretty terrific because they are more than happy to make most if not all the decisions. That seems to make things easy, except that you aren’t developing the habit of making good decisions. This step is primarily about your will and rarely about skill. “But I don’t know how!” you protest. You will learn. Bit by bit, day by day. The process of learning to make better choices is the same as learning any new skill, it gets better and better with more practice. Practice does not make perfect, but it sure makes life a lot more pleasant!

The History Of Hyosung Motorcycles

May 3, 2018 blogger

Hyosung Motorcycles were originally established in nineteen seventy eight as a division created by the The Hyosung company Group of companies. This company operates as a major South Korean group of companies with divisions which range from engineering to financial services. The Hyosung company initiated making Suzuki motor bike models under permission from the Suzuki company for the local market the region of Changwon, Korea in the late 1970s. Around 1986, Hyosung founded their own R&D center in Hamamatsu, Japan, and the next year, hyosung started major manufacturing of their designs. Hyosung were selected as the exclusive motorbike provider for the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul, The company motorcycles and scooters enjoyed a summit in popularity at that time. During 2003, Hyosung Motors & Machinery Inc. was separated from the Hyosung Group and became a separate entity. In Summer 2007, The Hyosung company Motors Division was acquired by another Korean conglomerate, S&T Group (Science and Technology), and the name changed to S&T Motors, though most models are still sold under the The company name. S&T Group is the third owner of the Hyosung brand in the last few years.

Today, Hyosung motorcycles can be bought or have been bought in virtually all areas throughout United States and Canada, Central and south america, The european union, along with Australia. The latter is among the top selling nations for The company motorcycles and scooters, where the sportbike 250cc displacement models rank amongst the most popular models. Though that is not typical, the majority of The company motorcycles experience los sale volumes in most countries where these models are sold under many names, including S&T Motors in South Korea, Naza Blade in Malaysia, United Motors and ATK in the North America., and Kazinski in Brazil. The organization has often been criticized for improper or absence of “brand loyalty” for their high-quality motorcycles, which in turn prompted loads of confusion with riders all over the world and has deter the company or brand to fully take off. Nonetheless, economic problems and several ownership changes throughout the years have forced the business to take these different branding relationships in order to survive and continue manufacturing models..

Hyosung’s top selling and succesfulll designs are the Aquila GV250 cruiser motorbike, GV650 cruiser, GT250R sportbike, and GT650R sportbike, and most recently the ST7 cruiser. However the company does make various other products, such as 50 through 250cc scooters, and 50, 90, and 450cc ATVs. The TE450S Atv has a potent engine and compares confidently to other models in its class. In 2010 S&T Motors updated virtually all models to electronic fuel injection as well making some cosmetic touches on the sport bike models. Most The company models enjoy a very good level of quality though technology is often a few years back and design changes are few and far in between compared to the top Asian brands such as Suzuki, Kawasaki, Honda, and Yamaha. All models are well priced (below Asian counterparts) in most markets and make excellent and affordable beginner bikes for many The company riders worldwide. Depending on the country where you purchase your Hyosung motorcycle, getting parts and quality service may or not be difficult, but in most cases access to parts and accessories makes for a more enjoyable experience with your The Hyosung company.

The company motorcycles have been ridden around the world for well over thirty years, despite the speculations and the turmoil the company has faced throughout the years, there are not signs that The Hyosung company motorcycles will ever cease production.

The Relationship Compass – Should You Be Headed Into or Out of Your Relationship

April 30, 2018 blogger

The only investors staying the course are those with a broken compass.”

— from an ad for BNY Mellon

When I saw this ad it immediately made me think about people who enter and/or stay in unhealthy, unhappy relationships. Some people seem to have a broken Relationship Compass. They enter relationships with people they shouldn’t be with or they stay in relationships they shouldn’t stay in. Let’s look at some of the reasons this happens.

The family that you grew up in might have set a model for relationships that isn’t a good model. It could be a family where there was violence, hostility, intimidation, alcoholism, etc. If this is what you grew up with, then this is what you might consider “normal” or inevitable. If that’s the case, then you could tolerate, accept, or expect such unhealthy things to exist in your own relationships.

The culture that you grew up in could have taught you to expect or tolerate things that shouldn’t exist in a healthy relationship — like sexism, alcoholism, violence, etc. In this case, even if you recognize what’s wrong, you may consider those things the “natural” or inevitable components of relationships.

The family or culture that you grew up in might have told you that leaving relationships is unacceptable, intolerable, unforgivable, or immoral. In this case, even if you figure out that the relationship is a bad place to be, you may believe that you must not or cannot leave it.

Cultures in which obedience or submission are values, particularly in women, give the intentional message that the vows are unconditional, and that there is no justification ever for terminating them, since decision-making isn’t within your power.

Cultures or religions in which the vows are considered unconditional compacts make it clear that terminating a relationship is unacceptable without exception. This can be a moral or religious issue where there is never a justification for “breaking a solemn promise”.

Families sometimes say, explicitly, things like, “You made your bed; now lie in it.” In this case the belief is that choices are irrevocable and that mistakes are uncorrectable. There is even a message, explicit or implicit, that you should be punished for having made a mistake.

There could be compelling reasons to stay even if you feel it’s an unhealthy place to be.

If you believe (accurately or erroneously) that you can’t support yourself or your children if you leave a bad relationship, you may feel you must stay. This consideration sometimes trumps any consideration for the toxic quality for you or your children of remaining permanently in an unhealthy situation.

If you fear retribution if you even attempt to leave, then staying may feel safer than leaving. Even with the increasing availability of sanctuaries for people who leave abusive situations, not everyone is convinced that safety can be ensured if they leave.

If you fear that you will be rejected by extended family, friends, or society if you leave, you may stay because you fear ostracism from your support system. It can feel safer, and even more comfortable, to remain in an unhealthy situation and retain your social network than it would be to leave and be isolated socially.

Sometimes people believe that the natural course of relationships involves phases during which the relationship is not good or positive and that this is just the way it is, either temporarily or as a permanent evolution of the relationship.

If this is a temporary situation AND it is addressed by one or both partners, that’s not necessarily troublesome or a reason to consider exiting the relationship.

If it’s been an increasingly negative trajectory, this should not be assumed to be the natural course of relationships. Healthy relationships get BETTER over time, not worse. As partners mature and as they increasingly learn how to be better partners, healthy relationships grow stronger, more positive, and more loving. (Sometimes that’s because there was in fact a rough patch that they navigated in healthy and growthful ways.)

Serious relationships deserve serious consideration and substantial effort before they’re terminated. I am not advocating precipitous action to terminate a relationship because there’s a rocky moment or even problematic behavior or interaction.

I am suggesting that for some people, because of history, training, or personality, or because of fear, loyalty, or unreasoning hope, sometimes the Relationship Compass points IN when it should, more self-respectfully, point OUT.

The Psychology of the S&M Lifestyle

April 24, 2018 blogger

For many years, the concept of being flogged, humiliated, and whipped has long been associated with punishment and suffering. To be demeaned in this manner was unacceptable for most people, creating a social stigma that stands to this day. The stigma is so strong that people who want to go through that sort of treatment willingly were seen as having had their mental health compromised. In some circles, it can also be considered a sign of poor sexual health. However, according to more recent findings, neither mental nor sexual health are compromised by a desire to be bound and dominated. The Sadism and Masochism (S&M) community are not a group of deviants with poor mental health, but simply one that has tastes that vary from the norm.

In some ways, it allows people to be able to better connect to a side of themselves that has been suppressed. For example, one woman who enjoyed choking her partner during orgasm had a childhood of suppressing emotions and feelings. She had grown up psychologically suppressing things like sexual desire and her own need for a meaningful relationship. While she had outgrown most of it by adulthood, she remained partially detached from the act of intercourse, leaving her to regard the activity as bland and unexciting. It was only when she discovered the psychological “high” she got from choking her partner that she started to enjoy sex. Her psychologist believes that the act of choking someone has helped her bridge the mental gap between her desires and her personality, allowing her to temporarily let go of her inhibitions.

Some psychologists have also come to believe that S&M may also be connected to stress relief and escapism. In general, members of the S&M community engage in role-playing during sessions, with a person who usually appears as a timid librarian being a foul-mouthed, whip-toting dominatrix in her basement. This role-playing temporarily grants them a reprieve from the nature of their lives, giving them a much needed escape from the stress and anxiety of the modern world. The nature of the activity makes it such that the people involved focus only on each other and the raw physical sensations of the acts, allowing them a short amount of time to get away from whatever it is they feel a need to get away from. While this may not explain the reasons for the entire S&M community, it may explain some of the motivations behind this behavior.

It should be noted that the S&M community is a separate group from people who have sexual sadism. The core difference is that S&M practitioners are perfectly sane individuals who simply enjoy playing roles that they would not be expected to in their everyday lives. Activities for them are consensual and there is a complex web of unspoken rituals and unwritten rules that prevent either participant from inflicting permanent or serious harm upon one another. In contrast, sexual sadism is often non-consensual and, by the very nature of the activities, is designed to inflict as much harm as possible for as long as possible. There are some circles that believe sexual sadists are the reason why the S&M community normally shuns the terms sadist and masochist, preferring to avoid the negative psychological connotation.

One benefit that accepting S&M as a part of someone’s private life has had is an enhancement of one’s sex life. People who have come to accept it and have found partners who welcome it have reported that their sex lives have improved, as well as their emotional connection to one another. They report that there is a deeper sense of connection and understanding, likely due to the openness needed for both partners to accept such “unusual” tastes.

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